In the previous episode of The Former Gamer's Blog!
"Sorry a moment though! Last week you did Duke Nukem II and the game with Duke's alleged cousin, does that mean next week you will do Duke Nukem 3D?" "But I don't even think about it"
ops
And in fact, punctual as the intestinal landslide 30 minutes after the sausage&fontina focaccia of "Al mi furnèr" in Porta San Felice, here is Duke Nukem 3D. Ha ha! Get caught, you bitches! Okay, give me a few minutes to please me. I bet you believed me, right? On the other hand, you may have thought, only a jerk would have decided to make himself vomit just to play a joke on his readers, right? Am I right? Well. This is not something that benefits my image. Ok, let's move on.
Well, despite everything, I hurt myself with Duke Nuk(u/e)m 1 and 2, I also talked about the loser cousin Stryker, at this point let's do thirty-one and let's dedicate ourselves to something that maybe manages to be even more pleasant, net of the gastric reflux that the first person in 3D causes me. And I can't even avoid talking about the cultural paradigm shift that Duke Nukem has changed among gamers, in that steaming mass of feces that is the so-called "pop culture". I'm afraid I won't even be able to stop myself from launching into my usual reprimand on the victimization of reactionary nerds, those who do nothing but whimper that once you could say "N1234" to n1234 and "F3564" to f3564 (at number the same corresponds to the same letter) and there was not all this politically correct that oppresses us! Keep this aside because I'll be back later. I mean, I've thought a lot about how to make the hat in this article, but the fact is that when I mention Duke Nukem 3D, Miss High School comes to mind.
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It's useless that you facepalming, McGyver. Rather, it begins by not reading the blog of the Ex Gamer while you eat, that you set a bad example
We are in February 1996 (or is it March? From the time I remembered I know it was February) in any case I had just touched the age of 14, in my imagination I was ready for the scooter (never had) and for the kisses with the tongue (yuck! but if they serve to proceed further, I make them fit eh) but despite the thrill that gave me quantum leap that having the threshold age beyond which it was permissible to see films with moderate content of boobs in the wind, it was practically not shit changed. Ah well! What do you want it to be, I said to myself, is that I'm still in middle school! My peers from the Old Country, I always said to myself, even if they weren't petulant pain in the ass, I've known them like since I was in kindergarten and so it's obvious that the Westermarck effect means I'm not attracted to them in the least! But as soon as I get to high school, my life will magically be like Zack Morris from Bayside School!
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But without giving up a healthy amount of bad luck
Now, the fact that I was less and less disinterested in videogames and used the PC more and more for "Cultural Atelier" issues than for playing games (and therefore, to a much lesser extent), I found myself noticing an unexpected increase in my popularity in the classroom and even outside. Incredible! Everything I was being told, the various be natural, be casual, be talkative but only speak when questioned and never, never say your interests, maybe they really worked for something? Ha ha! Bullshit! I digress? Not so much! In short, it was February (or March) 1996, I am in eighth grade and one afternoon, with two of my classmates (one of them was actually a girl, unthinkable!) We go to a meeting for future high school first-graders, to see the high school that we have chosen (by bringing up some irrelevant criteria).
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The reassuring thing is that in Google's photo from 2018, it's the same as it was in 2016
The headmaster, who was rumored to have been a 33rd degree Freemason (Scottish rite) and also Grand Master of a lodge in Southern Italy, gave us a long explanation on the superiority of the high school (insert here the emoticon that mimics a fist, thank you) and with the love for direct democracy typical of Freemasons (hello Uriel!) he made us vote on the foreign language to be done, between English and French. At the time, in middle school "normal time" (that is, only in the morning with Saturdays at school, heart book stuff) was French.
It goes without saying that in a "computer science" high school, precursors of the famous three "i's" (English, IT and business) that would have been the workhorse of a political figure who had recently begun to dominate the Italian scene, almost unanimously we voted for English. The boy from the Neighboring/Rival Country was applauded and cordially unlucky who intervened with discreet bullshit to be a Japanese soldier in the jungle in defense of the French, but I did not consider all this, because on the other side of the auditorium there was one of mine. her age who was, by my standards at the time, a great hottie! Unprecedented!
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Questa la capiscono in pochi, mi sa
And in short, I, a boy from the Old Country up to then not much hanging out outside the Old Country, had spent the meeting looking at it and being amazed by the fact that old Westermarck had taken us hard by throwing a very strong punch in the stomach, as well as more in low. (After that I spent my inner time hoping this chick would end up in class with me, as well as thinking about what to say to impress if she ever was in class with me). After the meeting, in anticipation of a huge number of meetings I was going to attend in the future, I hadn't been following a shit. What I do know is that:
A ) back to the Old Country I felt disgusting because the girls who were there didn't poke me a little bit (Westermarck effect or not, it doesn't matter) and even if there had been, it's not that I went out so much to work on my popularity.
B ) since in the middle of that auditorium I was really just one of the many (and they were all unknown, except two) the feeling that I would automatically become the successful local zuvnéin was fading very quickly.
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zuvnéin
C) when I returned home and my mom said to me "Ooooh, now tell me everything BY LINE AND BY SIGN" I had a very strong desire to send her to shit, also because I felt that if I had told her how I had discovered the Westermarck effect, I would have been fooled ad libitum ("eeeehhhhh.... the tongue beats where the tooth hurts!") and therefore the answer was limited to a generic "eh, well, we'll do English", with enthusiasm typical of those who told him that he has just been volunteered to test a machine that gives you kicks in the balls.
In short, what to do? Simple! I go to the Il Biondo newsstand and fall back into the videogame tunnel in which I was timidly returning at that time, through an impromptu magazine that has attached a CD full of demos / shareware of sports games. The only exception, written to occupy a good 60% of the disc surface, GAME COMPLETE - DUKE NUKEM 3D. Oh well, a full game! (Because in the patchwork of those themes, shareware = complete). In addition, the very few trade magazines I read talk about it enthusiastically! What do I do, don't I take it? And in short, in the regret of having had a first flash of my future inadequacy, I install the full game and get ready to anesthetize myself.
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Eh pig fuck! This has never happened before. What then, 6 mega and a half it takes but I was sure that my 486 had 8 megs of ram! I was very proud of it! EIGHT MILLION CHARACTERS, is this game not starting? But I make a mess! Although I must say that not all evil comes to harm: in the magazine there were screenshots of the game with women opening their bra showing their boobs, and my mom, found her around the house saw the screenshots and asked me "but you do you play with this stuff? ". All this while ignoring the fact that alongside it was the screen of a rocket launcher that had just reduced an enemy to a pile of bloody body parts flying in all directions. Double standards, friends! TV says that video games are violent and we are all a little anesthetized to violence, but please, no boobs!
"Ah, no, I don't play it" I replied "except that that kind of game makes me sick to my stomach, then it doesn't even work, look here" and I showed her the error message. I refrained from telling her that at 14 it is not necessary to have 8 megs of RAM to enjoy pixelated porn, everything is broth! Damn, my classmate B. (the one who showed up badly) used to lock himself in the school bathroom to rub the pendants with the "Serra Angel" Magic card!
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Tap two plains and three colorless to FAP
Oh well. Meanwhile, parental judgment dodged. It only remained to start the game and play it secretly! In reality, with memory management the best I could do was run MEMMAKER.EXE to free conventional memory (that of the famous 640k which would have been enough for everyone) but we are in the era of DOS Extender, the 640kb barrier of RAM doesn't make sense anymore, it's all in one block here! You didn't understand anything, did you? Here, go. In short, as it is as it is not, in my spare time I am there ravanarlo on it for weeks (don't continue, eh!) And magically I discover that a stuff stuffed in my AUTOEXEC.BAT, a program called SMARTDRV.EXE, eats the memory with great voracity. Because? I don't know! I miss I know what good is' I'm smartdrive! Apparently it makes the hard drive go faster, but what do I care about the hard drive if I don't get video games? So, studying DOSHELP.EXE well, I find that by pressing F8 at the word "Starting MS-DOS ..." I can decide which of the AUTOEXEC.BAT commands I can execute and which not. And finally, it really sings!
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Parapappappappapp-ah no! No more Apogee! Apparently the guys from Garland (TX) also realized that people associated Apogee with fucking dog stuff, so the sub-label that was originally intended by Apogee to release games in 3D becomes the name itself. of the software house. (Who knows what was the first game released under the 3D Realms title? Nothing wins, it's too easy). The slogan "Reality is our game™" on the other hand is as exciting as a Valsoia vanilla croissant with the cone collapsed because the waffle has become too moist. Oh! You appreciate that I didn't do the usual shit metaphor, guys!
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True story (this was a shout-out to the blog "The Flying Coffin", for the uninitiated): Lee Jackson's famous "Grabbag" theme, for a while I didn't hear it because in the setup I had forgotten to set the MIDI port, so apart from the roars that accompanied the appearance of the title, I looked at everything in religious silence. But that was enough because heck! A game so full of combactive spirit at the price of a simple very fecal trade magazine (which, I swear to you, I don't remember what it was: it was an impromptu stuff that was trying to make money by putting on a cd stuff found around the BBS)! Unthinkable until a few years ago. And with the image of a beefy action hero who, without thinking twice, riddles with unspecified alien shots, the excitement is guaranteed! Who remembers the hottie of the future firstborn anymore! Ovidio was right in Remedia Amoris, the best way to recover is to exhaust yourself in other activities such as hunting! And what better way to exhaust yourself than by hunting bad aliens, strictly in solitude (when I find other people with computers and willing to organize LAN parties, I will sadly have it up to tolerate the sense of vomiting of the treddì shooters).
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Simple, exhausting himself with the feeling of vomiting. Already from the main menu a first level demo starts in the background and your Ex Gamer already has the first sense of disgust. Ah well! However, note the "Doom" model in full action: zero introductions, zero additional frills, full motion video this unknown, it focuses on in-game graphics which, for those who come from Wolfenstein 3D or from Doom and associates himself (I think of Heretic or Hexen) is another level. The badly scanned dog actors of Cyclones really look like another era, yet they are only two years ago. Heck, the minimalism and pragmatism here is such that it doesn't even seem like the Apogee! I think all of this doing things right can be ascribed to a single person: Ken Silverman (more on that later).
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Even the "How to order" page is short enough! I'm impressed. As if Broussard had been tied up by locking him in the broom closet and passing a pizza under the door every two hours. Well, I don't rule out they did. They certainly didn't do it during Duke Nukem Forever.
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What is holding back Duke Nukem Forever? Simple, Broussard's megalomania (which is well written in the credits of the game). Excited by the success of Duke 3D, and with too much money in his pocket for excellent sales, he wanted to create the perfect game, even convincing Scott Miller to invest his money (without joining a publisher) to create the definitive game. Here, "the definitive game" is a very fleeting concept given the speed with which a technology that is still emerging in 1996 becomes obsolete. But fucksi! The real luck of Apogee here is to have found itself in the right place, at the right time, and above all with the right person! Broussard in addition to the game in which he did not know how to write his name did not go, Replòghl in addition to Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure could not do, Allen Blum did Major Stryker and little else, then? So the right person is Ken Silverman, an enfant prodige of programming (the classic "odd guy" who is often alone at school and who must be a monstrous ball in social interactions) who three years earlier gave birth , from the rivals of the Epic, the answer to Wolfenstein 3D Ken's Labyrinth! We facilitate animated screenshots.
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Hi my name is Ken
Um, here, yeah. If you believe that bullshit, Ken Silverman is the classic all left-brain person who believes that personalizing a game with his teenage face (in 1993 Ken was 18) is a sign of creativity. But that's what happens when you grow up in a family where dad is an engineer and a computer teacher, and mom is a college math professor. Practically a Cultural Atelier™ in the house. This reminds me of a high school math teacher of mine, whose husband was also a math teacher, and by his own admission they lived their lives entirely under the banner of mathematics. The dickheads that we were the ones who immediately said that when the two were fucking he would say "now get on with lazy means". What bullshit. Mathematicians don't fuck if you listen to the hilarious jokes about the superiority of engineers.
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In short, Ken Silverman is a bit strange but he is a programming genius, and he creates what is currently the most advanced 3D graphics engine of all. Broussard, still tied up in the broom closet, ejaculates profusely into his pizza-stained "cargo" pants and gives permission to proceed. Years later, when it comes to Duke Nukem Forever, Silverman said "hello" to the video game industry that to make mum and dad happy, he went back to school, because education is important. 3D Realms doesn't have a decent 3D programmer, so they buy the engine from Quake 1, then Quake 2, and as more and more cool stuff comes out in the meantime, they spend a lot of money (theirs) to buy the Unreal engine. Of course, what Broussard didn't realize is that if you buy someone else's engine, you're not the most visually advanced game of all, and certainly not as revolutionary as this one. The rest is history, development runs aground and goes on for years as the rest of the world advances and at 3D Realms they try to do everything in a few more like it's 1992, until they fail, the game comes out in 2011 and it's shit . Because if the revolution is not a gala dinner, it is also true that it is not done on command: by dint of wanting to be revolutionary like Duke Nukem 3D you find yourself in the situation where you have to overdo it because you no longer know how to open new paths. : Imagine a porn director who goes more and more on extreme tastes and gets to a point that either he has to do snuff movies or his audience will criticize him for repetitiveness. They are problems.
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Oh well. Let's start playing and choose the first episode, the shareware one. You will notice that the version I am playing is 1.1 and not 1.3D which is the more mainstream one. But that CD was one of the first to release it and I guess he packed it all up with everything around the BBS, and off you go! Blockbuster. For me, at least. I like the philological expertise that I put in here. Bravo, former gamer. Oh, thank you, former gamer.
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"Piece of cake" difficulty level. With radio DJ Jon St. John (big name, that one) saying "Yeah, piece of cake!" with his harsh, hard man's voice who smoked a cigar and even inhaled the smoke. Cool (for me from 1996) far less naive than Replogle and Broussard's clumsy attempt to make a tough man in Duke Nukem I and II. St. John probably interacted with people and thus managed to give Duke the characterization he needed. Gone with the first level - Hollywood Holocaust (directed by Ruggero Deodato). The name of the layer is on a black background because it is version 1.1, otherwise we would have a huge symbol of radioactivity as a background, which seems completely unnatural to me. In short, we land in Los Angeles, on a roof of a building, and in the background the spaceship with which Duke Nukem returned from the Rigelatin planet crashes with a trail of fire. Do we have a story?
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Oh yes! "A babe, a stagie, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, that's what I need," Duke says as he returns to earth after killing Rigelatin. "And above all, no more aliens". Obviously, as predictable as the desire to drink the whole of Lake Garda after the "witches", the dry focaccias of the Sorelle Like bakery, the crime arrives. A plasma blast damages Duke's spacecraft, a help message comes from the mayor of Los Angeles, aliens have taken the city, caused mutations to the police, and the city needs help. But the question is: what happened to Neo L.A. what was in the second episode? Did the alien invasion make you regress to plain L.A.? We file everything under "Disbelief, suspension of".
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Ok, already the pain immediately takes me over the part of the nose that sticks to the forehead and my tongue is plush. Do you know what it is? I try with a trick. Since there is the map in real-time, with the possibility of also seeing the level from above, Duke included (unfortunately, the enemies are not seen though) so I try to keep the map superimposed and I focus on little Duke which marks our position. Here, what I remember was that at first I was stuck here on this roof for a good half hour. I didn't know how to get out of it and I was already feeling bad enough. Yes, total lack of lateral thinking, but boy! This was the very first time I saw a 3D shooter with a destructible environment! It was a bit like the first few times you used the mouse, lifted it off the table! Well, we shoot the cylinders and a gully opens up to go down to the street...
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...and away we do it. Duke is also very badly injured, but it just so happens that there is a medkit underneath. The thing that we immediately notice compared to the (few, I admit) 3D shooters we have seen is that the environment is realistic! Even Doom (which I didn't shit here), despite not having perpendicular walls, had rather imaginative architecture, because it was set on an outpost on the moons of Mars! (We are not talking about the sequel set directly in hell). Here, however, there is a real cinema. Cabbage! One could buy the full version of Duke, with the level editor, and do the Old Country! (where there is no cinema).
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And away with the first aliens to take out! Kind of armed tigers, right? Could it be Kilrathi? Oh, apparently I read here that the Assault Trooper is actually more lizard than tiger. What a shame! I only realize it now.
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Turning behind the buildings we arrive at the rear entrance of a cinema. I'm trying to think of previous games with realistic architecture, but nothing comes to mind. Anyone help me and deny me? I promise cigars, really.
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And here is the cinema, which really looks like a cinema. So realistic that I can imagine my friend Alessandro L. in the last row repeating for the umpteenth time that cinema advertising is the most effective. Predictable like the burp you don't know if it's a burp or something that comes to you after drinking Beck's, which I personally always found as undrinkable as its hoarsely sung "SAAAAAAIL AUÈ" jingle was unbearable. I'm digressing.
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Well, what is there to say here? It's a 3D shooter, it's different enough not to get lost, and I have to say that focusing on the map makes my stomach ache a little less. Will I now be an adult and drink decent beers and not carbonated cat piss? Maybe! Could it be that out of solidarity with the nursing wife in this period I don't drink any beer at all? Perhaps! I mean, there's not much to describe about this game, except that I'm out of ammo and Duke has to use his mighty foot to kick enemies. And the kick given like that, well, it was really cool stuff. With Dr. Martens on your feet, then! I had them too, just to say how full they were.
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Eh no, nothing, I dosed the ammunition badly and the foot does what it can and the enemies are many, and Duke leaves this vale of tears. No out-of-body experience, however, even dead Duke continues to see, turning his gaze on the creature that killed him. A bit like some Neapolitans on facebook who wish polentoni to die amidst a thousand sufferings shouting "napule napule" (I sincerely hope they are parodies taken to the extreme, but I'm afraid this is not the case).
Later.
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Shotgun! How cool is that! Now enemies hang out like clothes in the sun! If I can aim well, that is. There is the possibility of putting the crosshair in the game (by pressing "i") but since I have the map superimposed it is of little use. See where we are? In a game room...
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...and of course one of the games you can play with is Duke Nukem II (original cover, as seen in the last article!) The arcade conversion of that shit doesn't exist, but because the universe we live in isn't all that imperfect as it seems. Interacting (hi Francesco!) With Duke Nukem II, Jon St. John exclaims "Hmmm, don't have time to play with myself" making a joke that I think Broussard took two days to understand and then laughed for three months (always from the broom closet). Further "meta" is the fact that even though Duke does not have time to play with himself, tempting us to open a hidden locker in which the holoduke is located, that is a holographic projection of Duke himself. Well done, playful, self-referencing on several levels. Not bad, not bad.
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In a rather dark portrait (but on the other hand we are in the cinema) we find a keycard, and since we have touched a tinsel full of gears, the film starts, and it is a woman in a bikini who shakes with a feather boa. Oh! So is this the porn part from here SMARTDRV.EXE had saved me? But no, we all know the cool part is when interacting with the dancers, Duke pulls out the money and says "Wanna dance?" and they open their bra. This alone was enough to create enthusiasm: we were used to generic enemies, zombicyborgnazis, and we find ourselves with women who not only do not want to kill us, but show us their tits on command! Do you realize? To repeat the same leap forward, with Duke Nukem Forever, what should they have done?
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I don't believe this
Got it friends? To repeat the shock/revolutionary effect of Duke 3D, 15 years later we put on boobs in clusters of three that come out of a Gigerian wall (very original) and that can be slapped! But it is wonderful! "Ah - now a reactionary nerd with a worryingly similar appearance to George Broussard's will intervene - as usual the political correctness police censor me! They say a lot, they say a lot but the real oppressed is me here!"
In fact I would like to extend the discourse to this widespread verbal tic on politically correct as a cancer of humanity that seems to be in vogue among nerdists. If it is true that opening Twitter you have to weigh every word with the slingbar because there will always be some asshole who will say offended for a little attention, it is also true that Twitter is shit and intelligent people stay away from it. But in reality this is all an excuse to name yourself (from this article):
you have grown up, there is no escaping biology, at the molecular level your brain is made of completely different matter from what you had at 8, and there are other things that create the magic you are looking for so much.
And so, if a child who says bad words makes you laugh because of that Pirandello-like feeling on the contrary that contrasts the innocence of a child with the disgusting nature of a truck driver (joke, I respect truckers), an adult who expresses himself as a child who seeks attention. to adults saying "COCKPUSSYASSTITSNIGGERSMOROCCANSWANNABUY" simply gives a feeling of enormous Fremdschämen. A bit like a child prodigy dressed as an adult who goes to that shitty man Mike Bongiorno to feed the narcissism of his parents, or like Johnny Halliday (RIP) who tans himself as a fake young man.
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Voilà, le garçon ancien c'est moi/le dames acceptent ma baguette (
There you go, the old boy is me/the ladies accept my baguette)
Speaking to people who work as psychologists in schools, today's puberty kids seem to be saying things that sound terrifying to our ears. And it is not that the aforementioned psychologists are scandalized and immediately subject them to a Kubrickian "Ludovico treatment" to re-educate these children. We have already spoken here of "libidinal subversion", right? It was in the Rayman article, but you didn't shit that digression because you come here to read just to feed your confirmation bias. In fact, barely passable people, as kids sublimate this supremacy of "erotic" sensations even bringing out the worst of the worst (think of Bukowski who in high school gave the Nazi salute and marched at the goose step to attract attention with the scandal). Then they grow up and realize how much of a boy they were. Those who grow up only physically and do not accept to enter adulthood even from a social point of view, invent the "imaginary respectable" who oppresses them and limits their freedom to be prick-heads. For these people, the same advice applies that I would give to those who take offense at anything on social media for a shred of online visibility: shut down the internet and go for a walk.
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Ah, the pig cop! The myth, guys! The LAPD has been transformed from violent and racist humans into violent and racist pigs! What changes? That we now have less trouble taking them out. LAPD has also been converted to LARD, which is a pretty subtle way to get Apogee kids to say ACAB. That since subtlety is certainly not a gift from Broussard, I like to think that some other employee has passed a particularly progressive political message under the radar of the creative leadership. Of course, Duke in 3D is a very different character from Duke in 2D. He's a far more retrograde and less postmodern macho hero than the Duke Nukum who looks at Oprah and wears a pink tank top. Here we are halfway between the Shaft of blaxploitation and the John Matrix of Commando, I would say. Maybe the world wasn't ready yet. Maybe in 2011 a Duke Nukem Forever who watches Oprah and riddles aliens mercilessly as he pontificates in Tarantine about the benefits of a balanced diet would have created that sense of new that Duke 3D created towards his predecessors. But by now the character was pigeonholed into that stereotype and perhaps after 15 years he lacked the courage to make changes. I don't know, I'm guessing. After all, fucks.
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Ok, end of level! My stomach is fine as long as I focus on the map, and now in the middle of Los Angeles Duke can smash the self-destruct button of some weird, radioactive stuff with his fist. Ah boh! The folder "Disbelief, suspension of the" gets bigger.
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End level! A very woody Duke gasps with one foot on a barrel of radioactive waste and I find that I really shit with six minutes and thirty-six seconds to finish a level that the guys from 3D Realms take less than a minute. What do you want me to tell you? You are not here to see the exploits of someone who plays well, that's it.
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Second level, Red light district! A nice elevator that gets stuck at the end as if to say it's time to use the possibility of the Ken Silverman Build to crouch! You can also jump, jetpack, look up and look down, although these latter two features are actually a trick that distorts 3D rather than real 3D. That will come with Quake, but it will have a color palette that my reader Pepette would call "puke" and a truly disconcerting setting. Maybe I also do that, which at the time had not caused me conàti due to the fact that on my 486 it clicked horribly, making it more like Eye of the Beholder than Doom. But oh well.
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In short, we are in the red light district and here is the newsstand of "porngazines", as my classmate B called them, the one who rubbed himself with Magic cards but who did not disdain, often and willingly, the occasional copy of Teletutto under the school desk. Then he justified himself in a rather irritating way with "It's a free country, I do what I want. If you want to read me the television schedules? Mh? What can you do to me?" But here is not good old B. but a reptilian/tiger who promptly cold Duke.
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I love that I had returned to play, towards the end of the eighth grade, precisely to drown the fact that I was losing the points of reference of an Old Country that I had barely managed to find the right place for. Or at least, I was starting. Had I started to be vaguely popular, had almost created friendships that seemed almost stable outside of school, and now had to start all over again? Mo shit! Better to throw yourself into Simulmondo™! Miss High School doesn't fit in anyway, I'm afraid. Yeah, I know what you're wondering, but then there was some with that girl you spotted? The answer is obvious: no. We never even considered each other for all five years. Maybe he kept a low profile and I had pursued (failing) the attention of other people, but I had just forgotten the effect it had had on me in that meeting.
Everything came back to mind when, in a rush of serendipity (what a shit word, that one), we met about twenty years later, finding ourselves colleagues in a serious job. We did not work together, but she was close to the office of my friend Randazzo who, thanks to his studied and patented Randazzo method, had immediately attacked a button with his wonderful naïveté, and I, who was the trusted wingman of Randazzo, finally attached that button that was hanging from two decades. Then I told him that story, and then my friend nicknamed her "Miss High School" (although she was too low-key to win the title, which was generally more of a popularity contest than a beauty contest).
"So, nothing has happened?" No, apart from that we were both busy, and then it's not like if a colleague is a nice person and since when you were 13-14 she hit you with how hot she was than the average old country, then automatically APPUSSYPUSSYPU one has to try to go to us. any cost. We are not like the breeding pigs, who to get the semen the swineherd places a bench in front of him with an unborn sow skin and the boar, who is so horny that he can no longer see us, begins to furiously copulate with the bench until the swineherd takes it in his hand and ok, I digressed.
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We are in a small apartment that should be that of a pleasure house, and not only do we find an access card, but some ammunition for the rocket launcher and a three-barreled machine gun! When you say let's do it strange, right?
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From the window of the slaughterhouse, Duke improvises as Lee Oswald and starts shooting the reptiles on a balcony as well as a kind of floating Yamaha TMAX with a pig on it, but alas! Not mindful of advice from the Old Country of which he is a native (or perhaps precisely because Duke is not from an Old Country), Duke does not "think about health" and is suddenly struck by the disease of death due to lead poisoning. AH WEI THIS, they say in Romagna.
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We start with the level and arrive in a toilet that we have only 2 health. We interact with the toilet and "Aaaaahh ... much better". Duke piss and tock! 10 life points. There wasn't a review in the fecal trade press that didn't mention 'this stuff as a triumph of interactivity.
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We go around the red light district and here are the "Peep show" little theaters. There are more or less dressed women wagging and standing, taken from porn .FLC animations available on the BBS that have been converted for the game, plus there's a rocket launcher. Cool! Is there a cracked wall next to it, maybe I use it to break it down, in the name of the great interactivity provided by Ken Silverman's avant-garde engine?
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Street! Ah bum. The wall is broken down, but the explosion hits Duke who dies again. We have learned to stay away from explosions. Mark it on the notes that we try again.
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We are back in the prostitutes' apartment and finally, with our excellent submachine gun, we take down the swine's floating scooter. And while we're at it, a nice "Duke Nukem Must Die" billboard descends on one wall of the skyscraper opposite. Ah well, guys, we all have to die sooner or later, so this statement seems a little superfluous to me. No?
Later.
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In the red light district there is also a building to be torn down. After a long series of colored keycards (of which we happily beat the balls), we activate the charges of dynamite and as in the video for "Under Pressure", the skyscraper goes down. You will notice that in Duke's inventory I am holding a bottle of steroids, which make us run faster and kick harder. Well, I don't use it because I'm against doping (but, very hypocritically, you don't have cheat codes).
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Among the rubble we find a manhole that ends in an apparently radioactive sewer, which causes a sudden decrease in Duke's health. At the end of the sewer there is a naked woman but all wrapped up in an alien stuff. She asks us to kill her. Now, if interactivity were really as high as they say, the thing to do would be to grab a knife (do you want Duke not to have it? Or as a postmodern hero afraid of blades?) And smash the cartridge case and then get the permission to pluck the aforementioned naked woman in exchange for her gratitude? I throw it there! But I don't know if the 1996 Broussard has ever plucked in his life, so he may not know that this possibility exists.
Later.
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Ah, a pool table! The reptiles / felids do not have sticks and therefore it is evident that they are playing pinballs, which is a version I hate. Skip!
Soon after.
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Ah, we got to the interesting part! And I'm not talking about the pig who gets crushed by a shutter with the game commenting "Squish!" But I'm talking about the fact that the stripper comes out on the dance floor, and the extremely horny alien who is entering by giving the false name of "Giorgio Landi" immediately gets "cockblocked" by a shotgun shot. The stripper doesn't notice anything and starts dancing like Erika Eleniak in "Under Siege" when she comes out of the birthday cake and pulls her tits out not realizing that there is no one but Gary Busey armed with a machine gun. Fear.
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But Duke isn't Gary Busey and finally, "Shake it baby!" The moment you've all been waiting for! Money in exchange for boobs, with fringed nipple covers. Beautiful. I could tell about the time I went with a mixed group (ie girls and boys) at one in the afternoon to a strip club in Tallinn, but maybe I'll tell you another time. What I can say is that, when I brought the trade magazine that showed this screenshot to school, a classmate of mine (the one who came with me to the introductory high school meeting) saw it and said to me piqued "but you play with these things? Ah , I could blackmail you by telling your mom! " I bluffed (the concept of SMARTDRV.EXE was actually too complicated) and said my mom knew this and didn't care. My classmate was upset and now, almost a quarter of a century later, I think she was throwing it at me a bit. I didn't realize it for two obvious reasons:
1) I was a jerk
2) Westermarck!
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I am there that I am reflecting on how many things that in 25 years I will realize and that now run away under my eyes, that absorbed in my thoughts I do not realize that a swinecop blows me with a shot on the nose, sending Duke back to the house. 'another world. Oh well! Do you know what it is? That's enough, enough has been said for today. Another episode of great bad luck exorcised, and I would say that the sense of disgust is an acceptable price to pay. I would say I just can't complain. I'm going to have a ginger tea. Next game!
Is it shit?
Believe it or not, no. Oh well, you say, we really wanted to see you giving shit to Duke3D! No, well, the fact is, the realistic setting makes it fun. Then forget that it is a 3D shooter and therefore the stomach discomfort is there, but between the trick of the map, between the fact that the plausible setting means that I do not lose myself, in the end I must say that it was also fun. I am amazed as much as you are, indeed, much more!
Would you play it again?
No. As good as you want, but I have to be an idiot (or in need of exorcising bad luck) if I want to get seasick by myself. So what are the symptoms? Then, with the trick of the map superimposed, a very slight sense of disgust comparable to when you eat too much and something remains stationary in the middle of the esophagus. Plus a little pain where the nose sticks to the skull, but not a stabbing pain, more a nuisance. But milder than other cases. I attribute it to the non-repetitive setting and less sense of loss, but I know as much as you do. If someone strong in medical science can give me an interpretation (and possibly a remedy) the suggestions are welcome.
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Lazy Dog, on 01 January 2020 - 08:28 PM, said:
Duke4.net
DNF #1
Duke 3D #1
