#13260
Posted 13 April 2014 - 07:37 AM
This year sucks ass. I've about given up on the workstation side of things now, it's as stable as I can get it but it's still a pieceashit, Intel were clearly on crack when they released the Core chips. I turned my efforts towards the bike but having now twice replaced everything involved in actually driving the wheel the problem of the whole thing skipping in third gear is not going away. I can't afford a new hub, nor am I likely going to be able to in the foreseeable future. I'm currently broke to the point that I have to put water on my cereal as I can no longer afford milk, seriously have to cut back on cigarettes and probably use the internet less as that's a rather huge bill every month.
I'm about one inch from having a breakdown because everything in my life constantly fucks up and anything I try to do to make it better also fucks up and makes it worse. I also lost my temper properly for the first time in years yesterday and destroyed a chunk of my kitchen, this was the result of a chain of events that unfolded over the day. The first major thing to bother me was that finally after years and years of being ignored by women I'd actually started talking to one, only exchanging text messages, eventually no replies arrived and it seems she isn't talking to me anymore. Most of my life has been rejection so I don't give a fuck about that, but lack of manners pisses me off, I'd be happier if I was simply told to fuck off. Some electronics broke, that happens a lot these days, they're getting old and the failures are simple, I just can't afford to fix them. Then my last remaining friend comes around, constantly fucking rubbing it in how he has a great fucking life now, he can throw money around, his life is getting better and better, same thing as everyone else I used to know, pisses me the fuck off, I'm smarter than everyone I knew and I worked a lot harder than them for nothing whilst everyone told me I'd amount to nothing. Do understand I'm happy for him, but I know it's inevitable he's not going to speak to me much longer because that always happens once people go off into the workplace, get some money and whatever else. I tell him to shut the fuck up but he just keeps going, probably want's me to be even more depressed, it's clear he doesn't give a fuck. He's lecturing me on how great his life is as it's dawning on me I'm going to be struggling to eat next week and I enter the kitchen to get myself a meal only to find I've run out of a few things that I can't afford. That was the final straw for me, I remember shit about it, all I remember past that point is standing in the back yard squeezing my head with my hands, shaking violently and yelling at nothing in particular, felt like I wasn't really there, then I discovered my kitchen was trashed and nobody was around. I've been to the doctor but there's no help for me, shit is set to get worse and there's nothing I can do about it. Obviously there's also nobody to talk to about it, so I'm just venting here to make myself feel better.
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