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Not dead. . .  "but was almost to that point..."

#1

So, I'm not dead...I hit a really really low point. My doctor said it was a result of mixing Clonazepam with Prozac and other things (alcohol, etc). I just got so desperate that day for something to make me feel better, usually Clonazepam gets me really high but I wasn't aware mixing those would cause me to get that way. I'm not supposed to take the Clonazepam unless I need it but I've been popping them the last few days to deal with some shit that some people gave me at work...and I'm already majorly depressed, so that didn't help either.

I'm thankful for you guys talking me out of it, it does show me that people care. A lot of it is rooted in other things...what I'm going through right now as a woman, heartbreak over my friends ditching me, my past (being molested/raped for a long time as a child and not being strong enough to fight back or speak up), my parents not giving a shit about me at all, getting ridiculed for the person I am, relationship problems, videogame problems...the list really does go on.

I figured I'd start a new thread just to let everyone know I made it okay. It was a close one. I was going to stab myself in the stomach and slit my wrists...pretty much the most brutal and painful way to go, because if I went it's what I would have deserved. I was on the couch, the knife beside me, when I picked up the phone and called Jimmy (Viper). I've never really considered it until then. I'm not sure what the fuck in my brain sparked me to pick up the phone because the knife was literally pressed into my stomach..it was intense.

I have tons of copies of various "wills and last notes" on my machine from the last few years, but when you are really in the moment and ready to go, it's a different experience. I was almost placed into a psych-hold today, but I convinced the doctor that I was okay. My arms are painful reminders of that night though.

I'm still not really recovered from it, just trying to stay positive right now. It's really hard because my heart is still just so...broken...and I still feel very very alone. I suppose it will always be this way, eventually I will do it (I am positive of that), but for the first time in a long time I'm thankful that I'm alive, even if just for the moment.

I know I deserve all of this because I'm still not strong enough to get the help I need...my parent(s)? taught me that it's weak to ask for help...so I never did. :lol:

Anyways...I just wanted to create a new thread so the Post Thread isn't all depressing and shit.
2

User is offline   Forge 

  • Speaker of the Outhouse

#2

People aren't infallible and your parents screwed up on many levels unless it was their goal to ruin your self-esteem.

Buck-up champ, things don't stay miserable forever. Maybe you should enroll in a media class. Public speaking (getting up in front of the class) can help you gain confidence in yourself.
0

User is offline   Ronin 

#3

You should definitely try to get some help, never mind what your parents think, better to be thought of as weak than dead. If you find it difficult to seek help then it takes strength to go get it, nothing weak about that. Glad you pulled through this time.

This post has been edited by Ronan: 06 February 2015 - 02:22 PM

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User is offline   Richard Shead 

  • "Dick Nasty"

#4

Your parents couldn't be farther from the truth when it comes to their viewpoint on seeking assistance when in need. There's no shame whatsoever in doing so, and anyone who says anything otherwise is either miserable, misinformed, or just flat-out delusional. If the people who raised you are going to perpetuate such nonsense upon your developing mind, I can't even begin to imagine how else they've fucked you over. Instilling such skewed morals into your offspring is nothing short of abusive, and I wouldn't go to those monsters for any form of advice - nor would I even give them the time of day for anything at all. People who set such rubbish examples via their messages have no business in taking care of other human beings...I wouldn't as much as entrust these idiots with a deaf goldfish.
0

User is offline   Robman 

  • Asswhipe [sic]

#5

View PostCoryyne, on 06 February 2015 - 10:41 AM, said:

I suppose it will always be this way, eventually I will do it (I am positive of that)



Please become "un-positive" of that. You always have the option of CHANGING your life, not ending it.


Also does this mean Jimmy and Viper are the same person?

This post has been edited by Robman: 06 February 2015 - 04:54 PM

0

User is online   Mblackwell 

  • Evil Overlord

#6

View PostCoryyne, on 06 February 2015 - 10:41 AM, said:

I know I deserve all of this because I'm still not strong enough to get the help I need...my parent(s)? taught me that it's weak to ask for help...so I never did. :lol:


What stands out here is the feeling of "deserving it". No one deserves to live that way, and the only way out for some of us is help. That might be the help of a counselor, medication, friends, a change of environment, a changing of priorities, etc.

We are social creatures because we are stronger together. Remember that.
0

User is offline   Person of Color 

  • Senior Unpaid Intern at Viceland

#7

View PostCoryyne, on 06 February 2015 - 10:41 AM, said:

I know I deserve all of this because I'm still not strong enough to get the help I need...my parent(s)? taught me that it's weak to ask for help...so I never did. :lol:


You didn't deserve shit. Self victimization gets you nowhere. Also it's not weak to ask for help, your stepdad is a California cop and therefore automatically a faggot. We're talking next level pecker sucking here. The kind of guy who attends fantasy football meetings just for the boypussy. A true music aficionado who only buys LightScribe CD-R's so all his burned Frankie Goes to Hollywood CD's look like store bought Slayer albums. A "real college bro" who had his chink room mate hack his DVR so the entire HGTV lineup shows up as random SpikeTV shows, and he did it all for the low, low price of a "Clevie S." An honest to God "gaymer" who enabled his dev console just to roll a transgendered Commander Shepard, on his computer that has a 16GB micro SD card hidden inside filled with Anita Sarkeesian dickgirl porno.

View PostRobman, on 06 February 2015 - 03:39 PM, said:

Also does this mean Jimmy and Viper are the same person?


No, we're different people. Same name.

This post has been edited by Person of Color: 07 February 2015 - 07:31 PM

1

User is offline   Hendricks266 

  • Weaponized Autism

  #8

View PostPerson of Color, on 06 February 2015 - 08:18 PM, said:

A "real college bro" who had his chink room mate hack his DVR so the entire HGTV lineup shows up as random SpikeTV shows, but not before he gave him a "Clevie S."

A real man would record that shit with pride. I have a few dozen episodes of Property Brothers saved.
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User is offline   Robman 

  • Asswhipe [sic]

#9

View PostHendricks266, on 06 February 2015 - 08:33 PM, said:

A real man would record that shit with pride. I have a few dozen episodes of Property Brothers saved.


Says the guy who puts "real man" and "Property Brothers" in the same post...


Hello! .. this is my photogenic hipster-twin brother, watch us do stuff because you ARE that bored.

This post has been edited by Robman: 06 February 2015 - 10:07 PM

1

User is offline   Robman 

  • Asswhipe [sic]

#10

Ok Hendricks, I'm sorry... it's one of the last times I poke you with a stick I promise.
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User is offline   Person of Color 

  • Senior Unpaid Intern at Viceland

#11

I'll poke you with something softer. Way softer. Like a half eaten taco soaked in water.
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User is offline   Hank 

#12

@ Coryyne
It's scary. I think I am the only one here on this forum that actually hates the drugs prescribed against so called mental illness. But it's big business and a hopeless fight, and you are stuck with them.

Suggestions:
One, change your daily routine. Something simple, like walking around a block after work.
Two, try alternative medicine. There are herbs and set of herbs to detox your body. This should be done in small doses, too much at once can have the opposite effect, so this need to be done under supervision. You still will be depended on the mental drugs your doctor gives you, but with a bit of luck you might be able to reduce the dosage and start living again.
1

User is offline   Forge 

  • Speaker of the Outhouse

#13

I take just enough medication to keep the wife from smacking me in the skull with a shovel.
1

User is offline   Fox 

  • Fraka kaka kaka kaka-kow!

#14

View PostCoryyne, on 06 February 2015 - 10:41 AM, said:

pretty much the most brutal and painful way to go, because if I went it's what I would have deserved.

Are you the girl from that Youtube video that throws puppies on the lake?
0

#15

View PostHank, on 07 February 2015 - 09:50 AM, said:

@ Coryyne
It's scary. I think I am the only one here on this forum that actually hates the drugs prescribed against so called mental illness. But it's big business and a hopeless fight, and you are stuck with them.

Suggestions:
One, change your daily routine. Something simple, like walking around a block after work.
Two, try alternative medicine. There are herbs and set of herbs to detox your body. This should be done in small doses, too much at once can have the opposite effect, so this need to be done under supervision. You still will be depended on the mental drugs your doctor gives you, but with a bit of luck you might be able to reduce the dosage and start living again.

I completely agree, Hank. While I have not suffered depression, I have gone through some intense anxiety. It runs in the family, so I'm not surprised I have it, but doing small things like you said here has really helped me change for the better.

Hope you feel better Coryyne, you can get through this.
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#16

Hello Coryyne. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD and/or ADHD, jealousy, anger issues, speech problems and last but not least Asperger's. I've been taking the following medicines: Sertraline 50MG for drepression, Methylphenidate for my attention deficient (hyperactivity) disorder, Diazepam 10 MG for anxiety, anger/jealousy. It also helps me get back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night and Clonidine for sleep aid.

Wayback when I was a child. Whenever I feeling in extreme despair b/c of making a huge mistake. I didn't use a knife to cut myself instead I punch myself in the face and give myself a bloody nose. It's way to self punish yourself for doing stupid things and making piss poor decisions.

I also get pissed when a chick says "I have a boyfriend". That made me so angry and jealous that I was like "Fuck this I'll never be in a romantic relationship ever again!" I DO NOT want to be the next Elliot Rodger; God fucking forbid no! It feels like being in India or China where there's a huge gender imbalance. Men outnumber the women. All I want is everybody to have a special someone that loves them no matter what, whenever that person is straight or LBGT. I'm single too and I get feelings that I needed a relationship right now but I gotta hang in there. The right time will come. Another thing is that when I was in middle school, my mom, stepdad (at the time) and my teacher won't allow me to talk to a female or have a girlfriend b/c I just don't want to get hurt. Well IMPOV everybody hurts each other not just women; men too.

It also pisses me off whenever I text or message someone on Facebook and when there's an indication that they saw it and does not respond I also get impatient but like I said: hang in there!

Coryyne I know how you feel. I would never ditch out on you and hypothetically if we were in a relationship. I'll never go out on you. I'll lock the relationship down tight. That said, you'll find someone special. Please DO NOT kill yourself EVER! I want you to be happy, get married and have children in the future. Have hope.

I've been through hell during elementary school, middle, high school and vocational school. I've also been kicked out of several daycare centers b/c of my violent behavior and temper tantrum when things didn't go my way. A story to tell: At this elementary school during the early 1990's. I got sent home b/c I had an argument w/ a teacher a/b not wearing my jacket even though some other kids were not wearing them outside on the playground. Next I blew up and a police officer was summoned. Thankfully I wasn't arrested. Nowadays I'm getting sick and tired of these Zero Tolerance policies at school. I think the academic community in America sucks ass nowadays. Way too much paranoia.

Well that's all I have to say for now. Get well soon Coryyne!

This post has been edited by DustFalcon85: 09 February 2015 - 06:55 AM

0

User is offline   Person of Color 

  • Senior Unpaid Intern at Viceland

#17

View PostDustFalcon85, on 08 February 2015 - 10:00 AM, said:

Hello Coryyne. I suffer from jealousy, entitlement, anger issues, speech problems


Sooo...you're Italian?

Also,

View PostDustFalcon85, on 08 February 2015 - 10:00 AM, said:

Methylphenidate


Ritalin...

Posted Image

You know that shit causes anxiety and depression in a lot of people right? Adderall causes anxiety too. Vyvanse is disgusting.

Taking anything but Dexedrine for ADD saps your creativity like nothing else. Good luck finding it. No one stocks it anymore, and when they do, it's that (literally) Jewish TEVA crap that's like taking fucking street crank. I'm able to get the good Amedra shit though.

Ritalin and Adderall are shit tier blue pilled ways to treat ADD. If you want side effects and a zombie like feeling they're great. Dexedrine is just straight dextroamphetamine sulfate so it's that one weird trick that pisses Jews off, which is why their Dex is shit. Even when they finally released a 12 hour form of Dexedrine they ruined it by adding lyseine to it when they made Vyvanse. I took one from a friend and I was still in hell after I woke up the next day, it lasted 24 hours in my system. Absolutely awful drug, never again. They actually managed to ruin dextroamphetamine with that shit. I even took a dose equivalent to my Dexedrine dose.

This post has been edited by Person of Color: 08 February 2015 - 10:43 PM

1

User is offline   Robman 

  • Asswhipe [sic]

#18

View PostPerson of Color, on 08 February 2015 - 10:40 PM, said:

Sooo...you're Italian?


That was hilarious, lol.... right up there with the "not knowing what food tastes like" comment of recent past.

This post has been edited by Robman: 09 February 2015 - 02:19 PM

-1

User is offline   ReaperMan 

#19


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User is offline   Mark 

#20

That vid is what popped up in my head before I opened the thread to read the first post. Then I thought its best that I don't mention it.
1

User is offline   Zaxtor 

#21

View PostFox, on 07 February 2015 - 06:04 PM, said:

Are you the girl from that Youtube video that throws puppies on the lake?


I don't think its her.
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