I was at a party the other day talking to a friend who had some apple pie moonshine, so naturally I wanted some. But before he passed it to me, some hussy I don't know and he barely knew in passing came over demanding she got some. And he said "Sure, after Jim gets some." And she said "Fuck Star Wars, I don't know where his lips have been." Which pissed me off because she was assuming things about me based on my appearance, but instead of being a dick, I laughed and smiled and said "My lips ain't been nowhere yours haven't." And it took her a minute, as I sipped it, and she just started yelling "OH YOU SUCKED ZACK'S DICK!?" as she ran outside. My buddy and I looked at each other, laughed, and shook our heads as we walked outside to sit on a bench. Five minutes later a big clunky unemployed ape who volunteers for the fire department came out with his shirt off and his gaggle of assclown buddies.
"YOU TALKING SHIT TO MY WIFE?!"
"Who is your wife?"
Naturally, this pissed him off. But fuck him for assuming, I've never talked to this prick in my life.
"YOU TOLD MY WIFE YOU SUCKED MY DICK."
"Ummm, no. She inferred that. I simply made a harmless joke and she chose to interpret it that way. Your wife was trying to insult me first and foremost and I attempted to defuse the situation by making a light joke, that if anything was more of an affront to myself than you or her."
"WHAT? NO YOU DON'T TALK SHIT TO MY WIFE."
"Like, I said, I never did. But I won't speak to her again, and I'm sorry to have offended either of you. Let's have a man's handshake on the matter and be done with it.
"NO. I AIN'T SHAKING YOUR HAND. YOU DON'T TALK SHIT TO MY WIFE.
"Well, if you won't shake my hand I can only assume that you aren't mad because you think I was crossing your wife, but because you just want to start a fight. I will not participate in a fight and I will call the police if you touch me."
At this point he backs off, goes over to his gal-pals and shuts up. Then I look at my buddy and I'm like "Are you fucking serious?" and he tells me these people are idiots. Which I already knew. Then he starts yelling "IF IT WON'T FOR RYAN (my friend), I'D KICK YOUR ASS. YOU BETTER THANK RYAN!" And I said something like "Sure thing pal, you weren't going to do anything anyway."
And this skank's even skankier mom runs out of nowhere yelling "IF YOU DON'T STOP I WILL KICK YOUR ASS." and I just laugh at her and say "Ma'am, you're drunk." At this point they all realize I'm alpha as fuck and don't care about getting beat up because I will get their asses in jail. So they all waddle out into the parking lot giving me nasty looks as I continue to have a good time. My friend who was throwing the party comes over and asks me to leave as soon as I'm safe to drive, and I tell her I am and that I'll go just because she asks me to. Now these dorks are in the parking lot, and I light my cigar as I walk over to my van and look Zack in the eye and say "Y'all have a nice evening." I get in and blast some Mad Conductor as I roll off.
I'm not making this up one bit either. I just love fucking with idiots like this. And when I do eventually get beat up, I will lawyer up.