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Duke Nukem's Family (Warning:Really Stupid.)  "and friends"

User is offline   def13391 

#1

So, one day i decided to come up with duke nukem's family and ancestors and all that jazz.

THIS IS THE BEST I'VE GOT!

Starting with the main line of Nukems/Newcombs

1666 - Issac Newcomb, The assistant of the king of england, known for fighting fire with his bare hands.
1776 - John Newcomb I, American Revolution, Tore a british ship apart plank by plank.
1862 - George "Gee" Newcomb, Civil War, Drove 40 plantation owners to suicide.
1917 - John Newcomb II, World War 1, Did a backflip, grabbed an artillery shell in midair and turned it back towards the germans.
1943 - Joseph Newcomb, World War 2, Killed hitler and tampered with the scene to make it look like he killed himself.
1972 - Felix 'DJ Nukem' Newcomb (Later called Felix Nukem, because he lost a bet.), Swedish DJ, Rumored to have fought in Vietnam, but the US wasn't aware of his involvement, some said he went there himself, Married to Carrie Jackson, A scottish woman.
1998 - Duke Nukem, Son of Felix Nukem, Fought various alien races and robots, And even a mad scientist (Doctor Proton.)

And now, for the rest of the family!

Hank Shankem (Duke's prison inmate brother, has a scottish accent and ginger)
Bab Stabem (Hank's daughter, Duke's Niece)
Dick Kickem (Duke's mentally insane clone, No one really knows what his deal is. other than he tries to say duke's lines but does it totally wrong.)
Duke Dukem (Duke's weird, beta clone. Rumored to have escaped from 3D Realms' super secret vault.)
Doug Huggem (You kinda know his deal by now, if you've seen Mega64.)
Dave and Mavis Savem (The bible bangers of the family, always talking trash about duke's 'unnecessary' violence, always trying to send chain emails to other family members, usually about religion.)
Matt Subtractem (The mathematician of the family.)
Jack Whackem (The compulsive masturbator)
Puke Nukem (Duke's bad haircut cousin, his relatives were kinda worried about him when he was growing up, but now he's a singer.)
Lamerduke (1994 prototype duke, we don't really see much of him. brother of duke dukem)
Luke Nukem (Duke's son, 'Conceived' at the end of shrapnel city.)
Lani Nukem (Maiden name:Perkins. Duke's wife, Luke's mom.)
Shelly Harrison (Illegitimate Child of James Holloway, One of duke's friends. he had sex with lani while duke wasn't looking. when he eventually found out, he was okay with it because he was a bit too busy to make another baby anyways. so shelly is technically duke's daughter. but only in my 'timeline')

How about we move on to friends?

James Holloway (mentioned him already.)
Samuel Perkins (Lani's father)
Andrew Church (Duke's superior officer in the lebanese civil war)
Dylan Gentry-Moore (Captain Dylan)



So, that's all i've got for this. if you have something for one of duke's relatives, feel free to share it with here.

i know this is kinda stupid. but hey, i only wrote this for fun.
3

User is online   Fox 

  • Fraka kaka kaka kaka-kow!

#2

This is the official Duke Nukem family tree:



NUKANDERTHAL MAN 1,000,000 BC
Have club, will travel. Simple, strong, primitive. The first Nukem.

NUKOCRATES 400 BC
Greek philosopher. Proposed theory relating Righteous Asskicking and Pure Contentment. Killed Aristotle.

NUKEMKAMUN 200 BC
Egyptian warrior-prince. Reputed to have been buried with over 200 stone dancing girls.

ST. NUKUS 150 AD
Christian Martyr -- thrown to the lions. Ate the lions.

BHODISATTVA NUKARTHA 400 AD
Indian mystic -- peace-loving wise man...till he got a few beers in him and then he was a maniac.

GHENGIS KHANUKEM 750
Middle-Eastern warrior. All Barbarian. All Nukem.

NUKEM THE RED 990
Savage, mead-swilling warrior. Put the King in Viking.

DUCCO DA NUKO 1412
Italian explorer. Found America before Columbus. Too busy buffalo wrestling to get the publicity.

TSAR NUKOLAS I 1590
The great Russian leader. Bathed in vodka. Invented Cossack dancing. Wrestled bears.

NUKOVSKY 1650
Austrian composer known for his military marching music and his 324 illegitimate children.

NUKALLOFEM BONAPARTE 1790
Imperious French General. Conquered half the world. Court-martialed for excessive taunting.

NUKAZULU 1850
Fierce African chieftain. United 100 tribes under his leadership. Shrinking heads way before Duke.

DICK NUKEMHEIMER 1940
Failed physicist. Dismissed from "Manhattan Project" for advocating splitting atom with head-butt. Last seen babe-hunting on Bikini Atoll.

DUKE NUKEM 1997
The latest. The greatest. The asskicker's asskicker.
3

User is offline   Mark 

  • Honored Donor

#3

Duke's best friend in High School. An alcoholic foreign exchange student from Saudi Arabia named Hassen ben Sober. :lol:
0

User is offline   def13391 

#4

View PostFox, on 13 February 2020 - 11:08 PM, said:

This is the official Duke Nukem family tree:



NUKANDERTHAL MAN 1,000,000 BC
Have club, will travel. Simple, strong, primitive. The first Nukem.

NUKOCRATES 400 BC
Greek philosopher. Proposed theory relating Righteous Asskicking and Pure Contentment. Killed Aristotle.

NUKEMKAMUN 200 BC
Egyptian warrior-prince. Reputed to have been buried with over 200 stone dancing girls.

ST. NUKUS 150 AD
Christian Martyr -- thrown to the lions. Ate the lions.

BHODISATTVA NUKARTHA 400 AD
Indian mystic -- peace-loving wise man...till he got a few beers in him and then he was a maniac.

GHENGIS KHANUKEM 750
Middle-Eastern warrior. All Barbarian. All Nukem.

NUKEM THE RED 990
Savage, mead-swilling warrior. Put the King in Viking.

DUCCO DA NUKO 1412
Italian explorer. Found America before Columbus. Too busy buffalo wrestling to get the publicity.

TSAR NUKOLAS I 1590
The great Russian leader. Bathed in vodka. Invented Cossack dancing. Wrestled bears.

NUKOVSKY 1650
Austrian composer known for his military marching music and his 324 illegitimate children.

NUKALLOFEM BONAPARTE 1790
Imperious French General. Conquered half the world. Court-martialed for excessive taunting.

NUKAZULU 1850
Fierce African chieftain. United 100 tribes under his leadership. Shrinking heads way before Duke.

DICK NUKEMHEIMER 1940
Failed physicist. Dismissed from "Manhattan Project" for advocating splitting atom with head-butt. Last seen babe-hunting on Bikini Atoll.

DUKE NUKEM 1997
The latest. The greatest. The asskicker's asskicker.


YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT ALREADY. I THINK IT IS INVALID. BECAUSE EVERY NAME IS A WEIRD 'VARIATION' OF DUKE NUKEM'S NAME, LIKE DICK NUKEMHEIMER. IT'S LIKE,


WACK.


i think mine's better because it has duke's 'extended' family
-1

User is online   NightFright 

  • The Truth is in here

#5

You forgot one.

DUKE NUKEM FOREVER 2011
The ugly, hump-backed cousin nobody ever wanted. Randy would give him a 7, 7.5.
2

User is offline   def13391 

#6

How bout this?

DN2 Beta Duke (Only english phrase he knows is "i'am back")
Duke Bronson (Duke with his 'intended' voice)
Huck Fuckem (Duke's hillbilly moonshiner nephew, Bab Stabem's sister.)
Duke Screw'em (Duke's jealous wannabe cousin, stars in Duke Screw'em 38D)
1

User is offline   def13391 

#7

View PostNightFright, on 14 February 2020 - 01:51 PM, said:

You forgot one.

DUKE NUKEM FOREVER 2011
The ugly, hump-backed cousin nobody ever wanted. Randy would give him a 7, 7.5.

WOW, HOW ORIGINAL. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL.
1

User is offline   Radar 100 Watts 

  • Zionist Shill

#8

Don't do drugs kids.
2

User is offline   Hank 

#9

https://i.redd.it/psf429dqnto21.png

Since OP wrote, Really Stupid, aka, asinine, just popped out into the gaming world .............. no beginning and no end .... :P
0

User is offline   def13391 

#10

View PostHank (shankem), on 14 February 2020 - 06:22 PM, said:

https://i.redd.it/psf429dqnto21.png

Since OP wrote, Really Stupid, aka, asinine, just popped out into the gaming world .............. no beginning and no end .... :P

Ok, First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with this thread. please refrain from derailing the topic.
Second, Why the fuck should you care about this?
-1

User is offline   Hank 

#11

^ simple
Anyone claiming a god gets it from me.
Duke ain't real. Get it?
Or get me banned.
I am a mapster32 fan, not a god fan :lol:

This post has been edited by Hank: 14 February 2020 - 08:23 PM

-1

User is offline   def13391 

#12

View PostHank, on 14 February 2020 - 08:21 PM, said:

^ simple
Anyone claiming a god gets it from me.
Duke ain't real. Get it?
Or get me banned.
I am a mapster32 fan, not a god fan :lol:

At this point i have literally have no idea what the fuck you are saying anymore.
You speak in a very, interesting, language.
if you're saying some shit about me saying "hey, don't derail the topic" i said it because what you posted had absolutely nothing to do with the thread, and i don't want the thread to turn into something totally unrelated to the title.
don't be a johnnythewolf, k?

This post has been edited by def13391: 14 February 2020 - 08:40 PM

1

User is offline   Hank 

#13

View Postdef13391, on 14 February 2020 - 08:24 PM, said:

At this point i have literally have no idea what the fuck you are saying anymore.
You speak in a very, interesting, language.
if you're saying some shit about me saying "hey, don't derail the topic" i said it because what you posted had absolutely nothing to do with the thread, and i don't want the thread to turn into something totally unrelated to the title.
don't be a johnnythewolf, k?

Simple -if you cainít a pointed joke about your hero -Fuck You :rolleyes:
0

User is offline   def13391 

#14

View PostHank, on 14 February 2020 - 08:50 PM, said:

Simple -if you cainít a pointed joke about your hero -Fuck You :rolleyes:

It's not that "i can't take a joke", my point is, the joke had zero relevance to the title of the thread. i've told you that twice but you still continue to argue with me.
1

#15

You get used to it after a while, I don't think many people on this board have seen the world through anything other than their monitor for a very long time.


I don't really have many to add beyond a suspicion I had as a kid that developed over time just for mild amusement value;

Carmine Nerdem - A distant cousin of Duke Nukem, was the dorky kid in school who got picked on constantly. Worked at a license plate pressing plant for a brief time before losing his job because of theft. With no options left he joined the military which proved to be the only thing he was ever good at, rapidly rising in the ranks, making it to Captain in the 'Doomsday Squad' where he eventually killed General Akhboob (Who is also Hitler). A young fan once mispronounced his name as 'Captain Carnage' and, rather liking the sound of this, he prefers to go by this title. Carmine never knew his father as his parents divorced when he was a baby for reasons unknown.

Martin Mekun - Half brother of Carmine Nerdem after his mother had an affair with a black man. Carmine isn't actually aware of this despite Martin being of equal rank in the 'Doomsday Squad' and them working together, which is funny because they work so well together that people often remark 'they're just like brothers' or something. Martin never knew his mother, being brought up by his father who found him annoying and sent him of to military school as quickly as possible, as such, Martin finds it almost impossible to function outside of an institutional setting, he goes by the name of 'Major Mayhem' most of the time. Duke occasionally borrows his helicopter, though doesn't know him personally, has never met him and has never had even the slightest suspicion about anything.

Spoiler


This post has been edited by High Treason: 14 February 2020 - 09:08 PM

1

User is offline   Commando Nukem 

  • Judge Mental

#16

View Postdef13391, on 14 February 2020 - 01:38 PM, said:

YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT ALREADY. I THINK IT IS INVALID. BECAUSE EVERY NAME IS A WEIRD 'VARIATION' OF DUKE NUKEM'S NAME, LIKE DICK NUKEMHEIMER. IT'S LIKE,


WACK.


i think mine's better because it has duke's 'extended' family


Shut up.



2

User is offline   def13391 

#17

Mook Nukem (Mafia boss of the family, lives in brooklyn, impractical joker.)
Joe Smokem (Weed smoker)
Billie Killem (Alternate reality billie eilish, always depressed, makes music, but not when she's kicking ass!)
Fucke Muckem (Brother of huck fuckem, deceased.)
Duki Nuki (Don't even get me started on this fucker.)
Douche Nukem (Douchebag clone of duke for a time he was in hiding for a few years, deceased as of the end of DNF.)
1

User is offline   def13391 

#18

View PostCommando Nukem, on 14 February 2020 - 09:08 PM, said:

Shut up.


Yeah, i was just being a retard in a desperate attempt to be funny. I hate myself.
1

User is offline   Mark 

  • Honored Donor

#19

Weed Wackem. Duke's gardener at the mansion.
Luke Pukem. Duke's anorexic friend.

This post has been edited by Mark: 15 February 2020 - 07:31 AM

2

User is offline   Jinroh 

#20

I always assumed these were Duke's family members. :D

https://retrogamingaus.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Duke-Nukem-Time-to-Kill-3.jpg
6

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