Duke4.net Forums: The Troll Thread - Duke4.net Forums

This thread is dedicated to all your trolling needs. Please submit your trolling material to this thread and we will review it for inappropriate, unsolicited material.

Example of unsolicited material, my Badass Acting Showreel featuring 4 languages (Dutch, French, Italian & English):

http://youtu.be/hCAhrURYrcI

Unfortunately, material that is actually relevant to these forums or the content therein can not be accepted due to US and international trolling law.

Remember, keep all trolling in this thread!

It's not really "trolling" if you join the thread knowing its about trolling.

This website is a trollden.

Jimmy, on 10 June 2014 - 01:06 PM, said:

Lol, I never watched any of those shows. VTM is namelijk voor oude wijven. But if that is indeed you, then that's pretty cool I guess.

Sangman, on 10 June 2014 - 01:34 PM, said:

LMAO Ja dat ben ik idd. Ik had zelfs ooit een gesproken regel in de Oscar genomineerde "Rundskop" dat geknipt werdt en ik had een vaste rol in een Nickelodeon show (Hotel 13) dat ik moest opgeven om te werken in een staalfabriek om na 5 weken te worden bedankt omdat men te veel interimmers aan nam

Translation: Yes that's me. I even had a spoken line in the Oscar nominated "Bullhead" that was cut and I had a permanent role in a Nickelodeon show (Hotel 13) I had to give up to work in a steel mill only to be fired after 5 weeks as they hired too many people

That sucks. My GF works as an adviser for the VDAB, perhaps you have to make an appointment with her

Sangman, on 10 June 2014 - 02:24 PM, said:

I would probably eat her alive! As I literally (no bullshit, serious this time) need people to come with me to calm me down whenever I get called by the VDAB or I will completely decapitate someone and spend the rest of my days in jail ("Why haven't you looked for work? Huh?" BECAUSE THIS IS POST-WW I GERMANY AND THERE IS NONE!!). I'm a very aggressive man by nature, though luckily with more patience than a priest, but not finding a job, any job, anywhere in my province for the past 3 years has seriously, seriously anoyed me. I don't care if the economy is shot to shit, if I have to be on a "reserve list" just to get a goddamn job as a garbage man just so that if I'm lucky I can get called to work 1-2 days a week I take it as a testament to this country's decline. My grandfather was born in a town next to Francis Ford Coppola around the same time. He went to America. Mine went to Belgium. Instead of being able to pursue a career in motion pictures, mine worked in the coalmines for 25 years and produced me as a grandson, who now, after the coal mines, the Ford, and all the rest is closed down can't even find a job despite the fact that I am the only computer programmer in the world that can lift a metric ton while doing paperwork with a pencil stuck in his dick. His grandson became Nicolas Cage. I became someone that regrets living here and if I had the money I was outa here in no time. I even tried looking for work in Germany and France with no success. Even MickyD's declined me. There simply is no work for anyone that does not have years of experience working for another company and has 2 Masters (I was always self-employed or acting, and didn't study because I was programming 3D engines and reading up on medicine and theoretical physics instead), is a woman, or is a student (so they can get the benefits for hiring a student). I am in "Traject Begeleiding" at the VDAB and even they flatly admit there simply is no work anymore for most people and I should move to the US given my skills. Three resumes, 4 motivational letters, just to get a job in a factory... Just WTF is going on... it doesn't help either that I was born and raised in the most controversial ghetto in the country: Meulenberg... Tell your girlfriend I'd be forever grateful if she found me a job, any job, I don't care if it's dirty or if I have to kill someone, because too much is just too much... My app "I Lost My Job" for Android explains my sentiments (I put the comic on these forums, the app I deleted as it wasn't helping in getting me a job when the persons in charge see me decapitate my fictional boss)

Wait, did you just start a trolling thread and then use it to write a serious autobiographical post? You are trolling the trolling thread. I guess that counts.

Trooper Dan, on 10 June 2014 - 02:52 PM, said:

LMAO! This cyclical type of reasoning boggles my mind. Woah... I guess you're right!... I win the 2014 Troll Awards! Thank you, thank you everyone! And I'm not even Jewish! (unless you're a Hollywood producer hiring!)

Dude, no offense intended, but you honestly sound like you're full of shit. Maybe that's why you're having difficulties finding a job. If you are indeed a computer programmer like you say you are you should be able to find a job relatively easily, especially in Flanders and in the Ghent area, where IT and software business are popping up all over the place. So you know, either you haven't been putting any effort into searching or you're just not that good of a programmer.


Of course, I'm speaking from personal experience... As an actual programmer in the Ghent area I was employed before I graduated, as have most people that I know.

Another friend of mine is also into programming 3D stuff (like you mentioned in your post), the longest he has been unemployed is a couple months. I don't doubt that you have trouble finding work (and for sure, there definitely are people with useless skillsets who are unlikely to ever find anything), but seeing as you have programming skills... blaming "the system" or whatever is easy, it sounds more like your attitude is the problem tbh.

deleted

Yeah I edited my post like 10 times lol just read it

Anyway if the situation is better in East/West Flanders than in Limburg why not just move? Belgium is fucking tiny, it's like a 2 hour drive at most.

Trooper Dan, on 10 June 2014 - 02:52 PM, said:

Lunick, I am in love with your picture. And I think I shall exit before I Say something other than I think itech is full of shit as well.Have a good one, ya'll!

[deleted

Are you manic?

No,he's just more long winded than the average bout of diarrhea.

Comrade Major, on 10 June 2014 - 03:46 PM, said:

No, I'm Mike The Spike.

Also, yes I probably am given the fact that I can do the work of 100 people (literally) faster than they can, by myself, only to crash out for several months afterwards. Also, I studied medicine, religion, theoretical physics, electronics, programming (C,C++, MIPSR3000/4000 ASM/Machine Code,ARM7/ARM9 ASM, PowerPC ASM, x86 ASM/Machine Code (I only know 1 opcode's hex today by memory hehe ) Basic, Perl, Python, Java, Pascal, Fortran, Cobol, C#, Objective C, ), Philosophy, Socio-biology, psychiatry, neurology, mechanics, pneumatics, ballistics, history, theater, directing, creative writing, etc. and officially I don't have a high-school degree (because I dropped out for an internship at a tech company at age 15 as a C++programmer (L&H) that went bankrupt due to fraud. Yeah.)

iTech, on 10 June 2014 - 03:55 PM, said:

If that's true, then you should have no trouble making an awesome mod for EDuke32 that will blow us all away, and you could do it in less time than it took you to write all these longwinded posts.

"Show, don't tell" is advice for writing literature, but I think it applies here as well.

Trooper Dan, on 10 June 2014 - 04:03 PM, said:

I have shown. Why would I bother with something like eDuke? I'm the guy that writes eDuke, not the guy that uses it. All in due time. I am working on great stuff as mentioned by the press, but I also have some very well known apps including games which I already made. Is 30 hours to build a temple run clone including your own engine for a Ludum Dare contest by yourself not enough proof of your skills? (Temple Run used "Click your own game together by buying our crap, script kiddie!" Unity 3D just like 90% of all other 3D games from smartphones these days. When I came on the market with Angry Halloween Pumpkin, it was the 3rd 3D app for Android. Even my 2D apps like Babemagnet are actually 3D and use OpenGL. I was also the first to use continous speech recognition and wrote my own TTS engine).

My "eDuke 3D Mod that will blow us away" is my game "Mike The Spike 3D". Duke Nukem will look like the guy from The Big Bang Theory (any guy in the series) compared to this guy. He knocks out a grizzly, uppercuts a gorilla and beats the shit out of Michael J. Fox and Kim Jong Un. Also, he can carry beer crates and anti-tank weapons while doing so in order to save his Turkish midget girlfriend from Aliens.. What more do you want?

My suspicion was finally confirmed: anything starting with lower case "i" plus [letter beginning with upper case] is just some self-overestimated bullshit.





(Am I doing it right?)

OK, fine. You an amazingly talented developer. So why can't you get a job? Do you think maybe it's your personality?

LkMax, on 10 June 2014 - 04:38 PM, said:

Trooper Dan, on 10 June 2014 - 04:38 PM, said:

It might be. That, or my looks. Once, I dressed up in a tux, got a hair cut and went out to apply for a job selling electronics (which I could basically have designed, so to speak) and the manager said "What will you do when an old lady walks in and feels intimidated by you?"... To this day I don't know for sure what the hell he was talking about. I had 3+ years experience using the software they employed, I was smiling during the job interview, and instead they... guess what? Pick some 19-year-old random Flemish douche with his fingers stuck up his ass just because they have to pay him less, and he is "white" (This is a very racist country, even openly so, and I'm 50% Italian, which is just not quite white enough for Belgian standards though I know the average American wouldn't give a rat's ass unless it's from the Middle East or Africa).

People do say I look intimidating (and like Johnny Depp, but that's another story) and it landed me several type-casted parts during my acting days. But come-on... It's not like I'm growing horns or anything. I was raised in a ghetto where you were eaten alive if you showed weakness, so I show strength non-deliberately I guess, but I am always smiling and respectful and dress up for every job interview which is more than enough ass-kissing you can get from me given the fact my former self would slap me in the face knowing this is what it would become in the future. I once told a guy his start-up company was "doing it wrong" during an interview (I had years of experience in their field, and he just started up knowing nothing). After repeating it 10 times during the interview and him insisting he knew what he was talking about, he finally admitted to knowing nothing and asked me what they could do to make things better. He wanted it in writing, to review it, and base his decision upon that whether or not to hire me. I never did write those instructions since it's not my job to teach you how to run a business unless you hire me first or are paying me for the effort. Crazy situations like that is why I'm always getting punked out of a job (I guess)? That, the absence of any hint of any type of industry in my area, and the abundance of companies that simply do not hire anything less than someone with a college degree, not being interested in what the reason was you did not receive yours (Uhm, so I built a working Space Shuttle in my backyard with plywood and paper tissues in the past 6 years, it was bought by Nasa, that's why I didn't graduate from engineering school. What do you mean you can't hire me?!)

Oh well...

iTech, on 10 June 2014 - 05:09 PM, said:

You're damn right, because Apple sucks. that's not trolling, that's a universal truth!

LkMax, on 10 June 2014 - 05:15 PM, said:

In other Trolling news, did you know my best-rated Android app ever, was written in only 1 hour and consists only of the follwing source code?

package the.add.app;

import android.app.Activity;
import android.os.Bundle;
import android.view.MotionEvent;
import android.view.View;
import android.view.Window;
import android.widget.Button;
import android.widget.ImageView;
import android.widget.LinearLayout;
import android.widget.RelativeLayout;
import android.widget.TextView;
import com.google.ads.*;
import com.Leadbolt.AdController;

public class TheAddAppActivity extends Activity {
    /** Called when the activity is first created. */
	 private AdView adView;
	private AdController myController; 
	
	int [] pics = {R.drawable.pic1,R.drawable.pic2,R.drawable.pic3,R.drawable.pic4,R.drawable.pic5,
R.drawable.pic6,R.drawable.pic7};
	
	String [] lines = {
		"Don't click this text ...",
		"You just couldn't resist, could you? Don't do it again!",
		"I'm warning you!",
		"If you keep clicking, I will start using derogatory terms not suitable for minors and those easily offended (you have being warned!)",
		"Fuck you, you clicking little bitch!",
		"Stop it you fidgetty little shit!",
		"You know, I could erase the entire hard drive in your phone!",
		"     ...     ",
		"Aight, phones don't have hard drives (except some in India)",
		"Here's a picture of a cat, look at it (or else!)", /// Picture Of Cat
		"#",
		"Cats suck",
		"I had a cat once. When it got dirty, my mom threw it away",
		"Fist-fighting with a cat makes you a pussy - unless it's a Lion",
		"Nuclear submarines are gay",
		"Eating pachinko balls is bad for your colon",
		"This is a colon,",
		"And this is a semicolon;",
		"This is eau de cologne;",
		"#",
		"'Eau' means 'water' in French",
		"And 'cologne' means 'that smells like colon'",
		"Colin Powel was funny",
		"Did you know America was at one point run by Bush, Dick & Colon (Powel)?",
		"Speaking of names: Obama Hussein? Damn, I need to gets me that guy's PR firm...",
		"That's like an ex-Nazi looking like Satan running for pope and being elected",
		"*cough*",
		"#",
		"When I was a kid, my grandmother always wanted me to become Pope when I grew up",
		"I told her I was into girls",
		"She tried stabbing me after that revelation",
		"Do you know what the sound of a tree falling in the woods looks like?",
		"Here's a picture of it:", /// pic
		"#",
		"It was drawn by a monkey that lives in my linencloset",
		"I call him Sir Crap-a-lot",
		"You look like you need a monkey",
		"God I loved No One Lives Forever",
		"It's like, there was this period where everyone just *had* to do a 60's parody",
		"We got Austin Powers and Cate Archer at the same time",
		"Cate Archer makes Austin Powerless look like a durd",
		"Durd = Dork + Turd",
		"The other day I was playing Nazi Zombies with my friend Rocco DeSanti",
		"Unexpectedly, a headless zombie bit my hand!",
		"I dropped the cigar, whiskey and controller I was holding to the floor!",
		"WTF is up with those zombies?",
		"I can accept The Governement seeking to start ripping off pieces of flesh after they emptied my wallet, but not a Zombie!",
		"They keep talking about banning immigrants, buy nobody deports the zombies!",
		"What do you mean they don't exist?",
		"Then who the hell was the Mexican mofo that made my burrito for lunch?",
		"Maybe you meant Zombies don't exist?",
		"Just look at Michael jackson!",
		"Yes! That's how pale Zombies are in real life! (you didn't realy think I'd insult a dead man, huh pal?)",
		"The only difference is real zombies still have Afros.",
		"Don't ask me why - it's just like that. All real zombies have afros.",
		"I think maybe it's a side-effect of whatever turns them into zombies",
		"Disco music perhaps?",
		"It makes my hair stand up too! (My ass hair that is)",
		"(I always listen to Disco using my buttcheecks)",
		"Did you know 'Disco' means 'Record' in Italian?",
		"And did you know 'Italian' means 'Gaylord' in Indian?",
		"Don't worry, I'm part Italian, I can insinuate all I want",
		"I'm also part Awesome. So I can poke fun at other cool people in a politically correct fashion",
		"Justin Bieber sucks anal-thong!",
		"No, I'm not insinuating he is cool due to what I said previously.",
		"What did I say previously? Click the purple and pink back button and look.",
		"What do you mean 'there's no backbutton'?",
		"Here you go", ///////////////// Pic of backbutton
		"#",
		"I'm also part Awesome. So I can poke fun at other cool people in a politically correct fashion",
		"See?",
		"... You're an idiot.",
		"I'd like to have his agent though.",
		"Without him, he'd be a regular kid working as a coalminer and collecting STDs like all kids his age should",
		"I remember when I was a kid - it was all shoveling coal and proquiring AIDs from dusk till dawn",
		"(nice movie BTW, but I hate Quincy Tarantulla's(forgot his correct name) acting roles)",
		"We had to work because my mom took away my food priviliges for a month, for hiding her keys",
		"I only did it because she woud go out to bars at night and come home drunk and I was worried sick",
		"Perhaps I should have hid the keys elsewhere not to piss her off...",
		"(I hid them in her asshole)",
		"Do you like ads so much you're still here?",
		"Did you know that developers don't give a rat's shit-encrusted ass about their apps?",
		"They only care about money (surprise!)",
		"I'll tell you how much a dev makes",
		"I have 50,000 downloads for all my apps combined, most of them have ads",
		"These apps have being on the market over a period of 12 months",
		"Right now, 4000 people are actively using my apps on their phones daily",
		"I made 25 US dollars total in these 12 months.",
		"I average at 25 cents a days now, and that's going way uphill",
		"My apps are considered succesful compared to others which don't employ marketing.",
		"I don't market apps, if I did, I would have 100 times the downloads",
		"Why should I pay someone to give something away for free, which in turn earns me 25 cents?",
		"WTF is up with that shit?",
		"Here, look at this thing", /// picture
		"#",
		"That's my house!",
		"All thanks to Android Playstore!",
		"Thanks Google, for turning me into a (bigger) bum!",
		"And I'm prolly gonna get burned for this app, which contains foul language.",
		"Eventhough it's rated Mature, for some reason Google thinks 16 year olds have never heard the word Butt before!",
		"I can assure you, 94% of them have a butt!",
		"And, a large majority of them _are_ assholes!",
		"I'd like to know what Google would do if a game like Postal or Duke3D was to be released on their platform",
		"Postal Dude would probably have to pee sunflowers, and Duke would have to wear a hat with fluffy cat ears covered in Hologram stickers",
		"Did I tell you I had a cat once?",
		"He ruled...",
		"Litterally, he was Divine Pharaoh of Egypt from 1989 to 1982",
		"(it was a time-traveling cat)",
		"When she got so drunk that she forget we had a cat, my mom beat Kitty to death with her shoe thinking it as an oversized mouse",
		"That's what realy caused the riots in Egypt, and not the official cause!",
		"(= A shipment from Libya containing spoiled Mayo)",
		"Egypt has being going downhill eversince Moses founded the country",
		"They used to have pyramids, a big statue of a rottweiler, UFOs, ...",
		"Now they only have old pyramids, a busted statue of a rottweiler, and UFOs have long fled back to their homeplanet",
		"(Belgium)",
		"I caught a UFO once.",
		"It went like this",
		"My buddy Rocco DeSanti came by my house to show me a pack of stale potatochips he found in a bag full of money",
		"He was showing off and hogging his find, and didn't let me taste some!",
		"I didn't even get anything out of the money, as the idiot threw it over a bridge trying to hit the cars below, without even calling me to witness the fun",
		"So I hit him in the mouth with an oakwood barstool. A tooth flew out of his mouth, and hit me in the eye.",
		"I ran outside in a panic, accusing him of trying to kill me, when I looked up and there was a UFO hovering above my house",
		"It had propellers, windows, a big light, and mysterious letters that spelled 'ECILOP'",
		"Suddenly a voice spoke and said we were to rest for causing a horrific traffic accident on the interstate",
		"Apparantly the Aliens were also pissed my buddy didn't invite them to witness the cool accident caused by throwing the money on the interstate, and wanted revenge",
		"Since Duke Nukem was still locked in my cellar as punishment for asking to go to the bathroom and taking 14 years to produce a turd, I knew I had to fight myself",
		"I threw everything I could find in my pockets at it",
		"My keys",
		"A Cellphone",
		"A plastic vagina",
		"The chiwuaua my kid sister got for her birthday I 'borrowed' to do my bidding",
		"But none of that worked to destroy the alien vessel",
		"I searched my pants again...",
		"I could feel a gigantic hard tubular shaped object protruding from my groin downwards along my left leg",
		"Then I realised it couldn't be my penis since I sold that to an Indian organsmuggler to get money to go to the hookers",
		"Instead, it was a Grenade Launcher I was carrying around in case of an alien invasion",
		"I pulled it out and shot the alien pilot in the face",
		"Suddenly, the UFO came tumbling down. This was a dissaster since my mom clearly said if I ruined the Petunias in her garden, she would commit suicide again.",
		"I didn't wanna take care of my morbidly obese kid sister, so I dropped my pants, bended over and used the Iron buttcheeks Pilates gave me to catch the UFO with my anus",
		"We then made a treehouse with it",
		"The tree then broke and fell on our house",
		"It was totally destroyed",
		"That's why I live in shambles",
		"Duke Nukem went on to have a manbaby with Prince, and hosts a primetime cooking show",
		"My buddy Rocco DeSanti was placed under state care after telling his parents about the UFOs",
		"And I remembered that the deal with the Indian organ smuggler didn't go through as they were remodeling the brothel and its employees I was planning to spend the money on",
		"My doctor calls it 'Shut up you lucky asshole' Syndrome that makes my penis 33 inch long and eject rocket propelled grenade-like object when squeezed",
		"STILL here?",
		"Why don't you do something useful, like rate this app 7 stars on the Playstore",
		"What do you mean it's a 5 stars max?",
		"I asked Google to make my apps 7-stars rateable because 5 stars cannot possibly express how good they are",
		"Or maybe you can click on an ad, and gimme me some money, allthough I'm not forcing you as that would breach ad supplier TOS.",
		"Did I tell you I'm broke and have no more organs I can sell that I can afford to miss?",
		"Just saying...",
		"Ah the hell, I'm tired, I'm off to rock...",
		"(A bed is for wussies, I sleep on a rock)",
		"In the meantime you go tell people about this cool and useful app",
		"Or I'll track you down and throw you up a cliff",
		"I do that just to show off how strong I am, right before I kill you with a gunshot to the face",
		"And don't forget, Ads are there for making coders money to buy Russian Prostitutes and wed them",
		"So help give coders a new life filled with pleasure and STDs by staring mindlessly at ads",
		"Mike The Spike commands you!",
		"That's me, Mike The Spike",
		"#",
		"And now, lets exit this cool award-winning app with a crash..."};
		
	int lines_idx = 0;
	int pics_idx = 0;
	
	private void nextText(View v)
	{
		if(lines_idx != lines.length)
			lines_idx++;
		
		if(lines[lines_idx].charAt(0) != '#')
		{
			((TextView) v).setText(lines[lines_idx]);
			
			ImageView imv = (ImageView) findViewById(R.id.imageView1);
			imv.setImageResource(R.drawable.pic0);
		}
		else
		{
			ImageView imv = (ImageView) findViewById(R.id.imageView1);
			
			((TextView) v).setText("  ");
			imv.setImageResource(pics[pics_idx]);
			if(pics_idx != pics.length)
				pics_idx++;
		}
	}
	
    @Override
    public void onCreate(Bundle savedInstanceState) {
        super.onCreate(savedInstanceState);
        
        /* ADMOB SECTION START */
        // Create the adView
        adView = new AdView(this, AdSize.BANNER, "XXXXX");



        requestWindowFeature(Window.FEATURE_NO_TITLE);

        setContentView(R.layout.main);
        
        { // ADMOB MODULE
	        // Create the adView
	        adView = new AdView(this, AdSize.BANNER, "XXXX");
	
	        // Lookup your LinearLayout assuming it’s been given
	        // the attribute android:id="@+id/mainLayout"
	        RelativeLayout layout = (RelativeLayout)findViewById(R.id.relativeLayout1);
	        
	        RelativeLayout.LayoutParams adParams = 
                    new RelativeLayout.LayoutParams(RelativeLayout.LayoutParams.WRAP_CONTENT, 
                    		RelativeLayout.LayoutParams.WRAP_CONTENT);

            adParams.addRule(RelativeLayout.ALIGN_PARENT_BOTTOM);
            adParams.addRule(RelativeLayout.CENTER_HORIZONTAL);
            
	        // Add the adView to it
	        layout.addView(adView, adParams);
	        adView.setVisibility(adView.VISIBLE);
	        adView.loadAd(new AdRequest());
	        
	        final Activity act = this; 
	        layout.post(new Runnable() { 
	        	public void run() { 
	        	myController = new AdController(act, "XXXXXX"); 
	        	myController.loadAd(); 
	        	} 
	        	}); 
        }
        
        final TextView btn = (TextView) findViewById(R.id.texty);
        btn.setOnClickListener(new View.OnClickListener() {
            public void onClick(View v) {
            	nextText(v);
            }
        });
        
        ImageView img = (ImageView) findViewById(R.id.imageView1);
        img.setOnClickListener(new View.OnClickListener() {
            public void onClick(View v) {
            	nextText(btn);
            }
        });

        
        
    }
    
    
}

*vomit*

iTech, on 10 June 2014 - 05:09 PM, said:

seriously, you either pretending or are on a real collision course - if the latter, get some help, starting with fresh air ...

Never mind. This post was long, wide and seemed to break my browser. too much code.